So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
