just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
