I'm passing your future prison.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
