Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
