Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
