I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
