u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
