I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
