someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
