OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
