what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Who died my cat blue again?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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