Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
