no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
