Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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