I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
