oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
