my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
