he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
