Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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