So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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