That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
