so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
