Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
