I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
