I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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