I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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