I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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