Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
