She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
