I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
