She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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