i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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