Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
