So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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