I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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