When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
