Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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