Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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