Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
