as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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