and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
