Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
