My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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