I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
