As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
