i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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