my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
