Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
