Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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