I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
