11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
