My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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