YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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