I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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