I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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