I just threw up on my dentist
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
