i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
two words...techno handjob
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
