woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
